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Ask Amy: Ex Is Upset Over Being Left Out of Family Wedding
Amy writes: “Clare,” my ex-38-year-old husband’s niece, is getting married next month and has opted not to invite me. We lived three to four hours away from his family during our 30-year marriage and only visited on important holidays.
I was present in Clare’s life from the moment she was born and throughout our marriage. Over the years, I’ve seen her at my daughter’s weddings, graduations, and funerals, and on Facebook.
Is It Normal for an Ex to Feel Left Out of a Family Wedding? Asks Amy
By omitting me, the bride has taken both myself and my ex-husband by surprise. My ex and I remained close, and he wondered why I wasn’t invited. She stated that she is upset with me because she believes I prioritized another younger niece her daughter’s age over her as a teen, which I did not, and that she does not want me to attend her wedding.
Her mother, my ex-sister-in-law, wanted me to be there, but the bride refused. My adult children will travel a long way to attend this wedding, just as Clare did five years ago, along with many members of my ex-family. husband. It hurts a lot to be left out and lose out on a rare evening with nieces and nephews (along with my own children).
Although this slight has wounded my sentiments, I’ve come to terms with the idea that a bride can invite whomever she likes. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this moving forward. Should I send a greeting card? Act as though nothing happened?
Or do I tell her I’m sorry she harbored this hatred that I was unaware of and wish her well? This niece and her parents will be invited to my son’s out-of-town wedding next year, and she recently attended an engagement party. I saw the bride’s parents at a family funeral just a few weeks ago and didn’t bring it up.
Aunt Mary: I’m assuming you’ve arrived at a significant milestone in that you’d no longer consider attending a wedding where the bride so vehemently opposes your presence. “Clare” is clearly fighting her mother’s and uncle’s friendly urgings to involve you. Ouch.
You may send her a card expressing your anxiety about your newfound friendship with her. You might argue that you had no idea she was harboring resentment from her adolescence and that you wish you had known about it so you could have addressed it with her.
I recommend that you use language like, “Your uncle Bud and I have managed to stay close friends despite our divorce, and we will always consider our families to be linked and loving.” I hope you and your future husband have the same relationship with each other’s family.”
Both your ex and the bride’s mother have already addressed this omission. It’s pointless to bring it up again with them at future family reunions. Amy writes: It appears that Americans cannot agree on anything these days.
I have some close family members who hold radical political views. I’m more balanced. I’m looking for a decent one-liner to help me respectfully end conflicts. “Let’s agree to disagree,” goes the adage. Make it more positive by saying, “We agree that we hold diverse opinions.”
Any one-liners you could recommend would be greatly appreciated. Dear Stuck: “We agree that we have diverse beliefs,” I like. I propose that you add the following line: “. but can we all agree to change the discussion to a more impartial topic?”
Amy writes: Thank you for your comment to “Disappointed,” as well as your suggestion that couples have separate money to utilize or save, as well as a joint account for joint costs. This is how my partner and I have things set up. We talk about our joint costs and have complete control over our own accounts. I can honestly claim that we have never fought over money.
To Harmonious: You’re avoiding a huge breakup trigger. That’s fantastic. Dear Friends, Have you had your question featured in my column before? Did you act on the insight or advice I provided? I’d love to hear how things went for you.
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