Baker Mayfield, the Browns quarterback and former owner and devoted caretaker of Cleveland’s FirstEnergy Stadium, gave a tearful address to reporters outside the MC Hammer wing of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, where he confirmed that, as per his divorce settlement, he will be forced to find a new place to live.
“From my morning routine of running all four tiers of the stadium’s steps to skipping out on my training in order to kill an afternoon playing Mario Party on the jumbotron with my Progressive corporate friends, I’m going to miss my colossal, $300 million-dollar home,” Mayfield said, expressing regret that he had not insisted on a prenuptial agreement to ensure his retention of the three-bedroom, 67,895-seat residence.
“I want all my fans to know that, while I may not be visiting this stadium as frequently as I used to, I’ll still be there for you on my visitation days of Sunday, Thursday, and Monday nights, and maybe even Thanksgiving.” ⠀Mayfield will keep custody of his whole offensive line, which will give a much-needed buffer against claims that he did not put enough effort into his marriage, according to court records.
Mayfield’s ex-wife will keep all of the Browns’ skill position players, though custody of Nick Chubb is available for negotiation if Mayfield agrees to stop waiting outside the stadium at night with a boombox blasting the Drew Carey Show theme in an attempt to win her back. While the divorce was finalized, Mayfield claimed that he was still having trouble understanding that FirstEnergy was no longer genuinely his, frequently “accidentally” going by to see if his wife had followed through on her threats to modify the stadium’s color scheme.
“At least in my head, it’s still my house,” Mayfield added. “I’ll continue to think of it that way as long as the commercials remain on.” So, at the very least, a few more months before they ultimately replace me with Justin Herbert.” ⠀
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