Divorce attorneys have witnessed it all.
As there are approximately two thousand divorces every day in the United States, attorneys who specialize in family law have seen it all. If you do what I did and ask a divorce attorney about some of their most interesting cases, you will hear tales that will make you want to uninstall all of your dating apps.
There was the bride who, upon entering her new home with her new spouse, discovered that she had married a hoarder. One couple decided to freeze embryos so they could wait to start a family until after they were married; however, the guy ended up leaving his wife for another woman just before she turned 40, at which point he insisted that the remaining embryos be destroyed.
Consider the case of the mother who slept in a coffin because she was certain she was a vampire and whose ex-husband had to seek emergency custody. Another woman ran her soon-to-be-ex-spouse over with her car, sending him to the hospital for two days; when questioned about her actions, she said only that she hated him.
Divorce is something most individuals would rather avoid even if leaving a terrible marriage is a good thing (just ask Nicole Kidman). It’s not cheap; one Forbes article puts the typical cost at $15,000–20,000, though actual amounts can often exceed that. To put it mildly, it’s a headache (one study found higher blood pressure in the recently divorced). The worst in individuals may be brought out by it. It’s reasonable that someone whose profession it is to witness relationships’ demise would advise others to steer clear of love.
However, love does not give up that easily. Even after divorce, the majority of Americans (58%) continue to marry again. Many people believe it is still beneficial to take the chance.
Therefore, BuzzFeed News asked some of the best divorce attorneys for advice on how to navigate the dating scene. Humans are messy, so take this not as legal advice or as a promise of a happy ever after. However, this structure may prove to be helpful in preventing the emergence of more serious disagreements later on.
Divorce Lawyers Give Dating Advice – BuzzFeed News https://t.co/xH7rmnWBmX pic.twitter.com/aRQ1oVOXyq
— Steven Benke (@stevebenke) August 29, 2022
Table of Contents
Get to Know Your Date Properly
You’ve taken the first step by swiping right, saying yes to a drink with the attractive stranger at the bar, or saying yes to being set up by a friend. You’ve been on one or two dates and are beginning to feel hopeful about the future of your potential relationship. Where do we go from here?
“Here are some things you should ask, but my advice does not ask them all at once or they may think you are a stalker,” said Susan Myres, owner of Myres & Associates in Houston, who has been practicing for 40 years. You want to know about the greatest and worst and funniest times spent with the fam.
You want to ask about embarrassing times, what’s the worst job you’ve had?” Myres emphasized that there is no “wrong” response to these questions; rather, the replies will provide “excellent dialogue” and “insight” into the individual being interviewed. Is communication with them difficult to obtain? How do they discuss their relatives? None of these issues should be deal-breakers, but they may prompt further inquiry.
The advice of the second set of eyes is sometimes welcome. Do you know people who have known this person for a long time, or do you have the chance to meet those who do? Whether you want to know “if they were a silly nerd as a kid versus, like, if they hurt animals,” Myres advises looking for “someone who can give you humorous anecdotes or eccentricities.”
Be honest about yourself as well. Myres related a story of a woman she knows who utilized the dating app Farmers Only. Even though she wasn’t a farmer, the woman who found her soul mate on the app ended up visiting his farm and discovering that she was allergic to the animals there.
It was then revealed that this man had been indicted for murder and had many missing spouses.
One of Myres’s clients ultimately filed for divorce after learning that her spouse had been married before. It was then revealed that this man had been indicted for murder and had many missing spouses. ( “It wasn’t the late Mr. [Robert] Durst,” Myres reassured me.) The lesson? It’s okay to ask your tech-savvy pals to help you Google your new significant other.
Communicate a lot
“It’s crucial to start with the correct foundation,” said Angela Princewill, the founding lawyer of AP Lawyers in Toronto, who has been practicing law for eight years. Neglected issues have the potential to become major problems down the road, even if they seem little at first. To be heard, begin at a young age. Don’t just endure things.” When you try to talk, do they interrupt you or talk over you? Is it impossible for them to talk to you for an hour without checking their phone the whole time? Do they seem really interested in what you have to say?
“I get asked all the time, ‘What causes more divorces than anything else?’ Easy. Lindsey Houk, a family lawyer with 11 years of experience at Waple and Houk in Charlotte, North Carolina, emphasized the need for “communication.” Misunderstandings can be about money or about feelings, but they both stem from the same place: a lack of clear communication. It’s challenging, especially in the age of texting and social media, but what’s the point if they never show any interest or initiate serious conversation? Red flag.”
“Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall early on in a relationship.”
Princewill recalled a customer who tried to reconnect with a partner by bringing flowers and jewelry. In the eyes of the other side, it was only irritating. Their main issue was how little time their partner was spending with them as a family. Being at work and bringing gifts was insulting.” Their significant other made inferences about what they wanted without really comprehending the problem. Princewill once remarked, “Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall early in a relationship, because maybe then we might prevent some of the conversations we have to have after it’s too late.”
Pay special attention to how they speak about their prior companions, too. “I think some people come from a bad divorce with a need for an audience or an ally,” said Cary J. Mogerman, partner at Carmody MacDonald and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, who has been practicing for 37 years. What seems like a chance to work together may instead be an invitation to cheer for someone who is still bitter over the results of a previous partnership. When individuals show you who they are, believe them, Mogerman advised, paraphrasing Maya Angelou.
Mogerman remarked, “Unless it’s absolutely superficial or benign, I would be reluctant to overlook any action that you perceive as an anathema to your own philosophy of existence.” “You need to inquire, ‘Why does this bother me?'”
Don’t Avoid Financial Discussions
A significant commitment isn’t necessary for two people to start dating; sometimes you only want a one-night stand, a summer fling, or an annual agreement to sleep together on the same day. Dinner talk is usually all that’s required in those situations. Yes, you will need to be ready for some serious discussions, particularly about money, if you ever plan on settling down, moving in together, and getting married.
Research shows that disagreements about money are a major contributor to breakups in marriages of all income brackets. Conflict (and emotional distress) can be avoided in the future if these topics are discussed openly and honestly now.
“We know in the early phases it’s all about love and everyone’s excited, but after all that settles, you get into the boring day-to-day living,” Princewill said. How do your beliefs and practices about money fit together? When the initial excitement wears off, if one partner wants to go all out while the other wants to be thrifty and save money, tensions are bound to arise.
Again, none of this should be insurmountable, but you will need to talk things out and establish some ground rules. “It’s about setting parameters to get through things and trying to understand where the other is coming from,” Princewill said. The rule could be, “Let’s save $x, but have some cash on hand for thrill-seeking.”
Harriet Newman Cohen, a founding partner at Cohen Stine Kapoor (whose former clients include Laurence Fishburne and Eve Chilton, Harvey Weinstein’s first wife), said, “Nobody likes to be ripped off, and nobody loves to be put into a non-affordable scenario.” In 1974, Cohen earned his law degree.
Her 21-year-old husband (and father of her four children) left her as she was about to begin her second year of law school, thus she handled her own divorce while still a young lawyer. “Back in the day,” she said, “there was the breadwinner and there was the homemaker, and the man could keep all financial information to himself. Transparency is a priority for most modern partnerships.
To what extent does your partner’s income affect your own? Is it fair to split family costs equally, or does one of you bring in a much larger income? The romantic relationship is “beginning to transform into a professional one” at this stage, Cohen added. Negotiation has the potential to broaden one’s perspective. The novelty has worn off, and you must decide whether to move further.
Family lawyer in Toronto Justin Lee has over 224,000 TikTok followers because of his helpful videos. Lee, communicating via email, stated, “I believed people would be interested in knowing about the turbulent world of marriage and divorce, and evidently I wasn’t wrong.” Two of his videos hit a nerve with his audience because he talked about the value of appreciating one another’s domestic contributions like cooking and child care. Many stay-at-home moms who follow my videos have told me how much they appreciate hearing that their work is appreciated.
While your partner “may not be able to contribute in a major way monetarily,” Mogerman argues that they may be “terrific” at parenting the kids or helping you advance in your job. (Deciding whether or not to start a family and developing a parenting philosophy are also crucial topics to consider before tying the knot.) However, nobody wants to enter a relationship just to discover that the other person is dead weight. They need to be self-motivated and interested in things outside of the group.
Maintain the Relationship
Many of these attorneys’ perspectives on romantic partnerships are molded by their work with clients whose marriages are failing.
Mogerman, who has been married for the whole 37 years he has been a lawyer, has remarked, “One of the things about the area that I’m in is that you often see such fundamental dysfunction in ways that are so intricate and deeply established.” When you see that every day, it truly makes you forget about all the tiny things that annoy you.
Myres, whose marriage is also approaching its 30th anniversary, agreed. Ignore insignificant worries. It’s mostly inconsequential details. And I should never, ever make a remark on the spur of the moment. It will come back to haunt you, especially in a divorce court when you will be subjected to cross-examination. “Do you remember how you yelled, “Ew!” in the delivery room?” Take great care with your words.
Houk is a single, cautious optimist who has never been married. “I’m definitely not swearing off [marriage] because as soon as you say ‘never,’ here we are,” she remarked, “but it’s definitely one of those things where I’d want every I dotted and t crossed.” She has a similar view on behalf of her closest friends and family members, and she frequently gives prenuptial agreements as wedding presents. “Sometimes I just feel like ‘Ugh, love sucks. Can I get a who wants it? But some days, despite the lawsuit and the laws and the stomping around, I would like to think that my job hasn’t spoiled all hope for any future relationships. It would be a hard mountain to climb for somebody.” LOVE
Many of these attorneys’ perspectives on romantic partnerships are molded by their work with clients whose marriages are failing.
Mogerman, who has been married for the whole 37 years he has been a lawyer, has remarked, “One of the things about the area that I’m in is that you often see such fundamental dysfunction in ways that are so intricate and deeply established.” When you see that every day, it truly makes you forget about all the tiny things that annoy you.
Myres, whose marriage is also approaching its 30th anniversary, agreed. Ignore insignificant worries. It’s mostly inconsequential details. And I should never, ever make a remark on the spur of the moment. It will come back to haunt you, especially in a divorce court when you will be subjected to cross-examination. “Do you remember how you yelled, “Ew!” in the delivery room?” Take great care with your words.
Houk is a single, cautious optimist who has never been married. “I’m definitely not swearing off [marriage] because as soon as you say ‘never,’ here we are,” she remarked, “but it’s definitely one of those things where I’d want every I dotted and t crossed.” She has a similar view on behalf of her closest friends and family members, and she frequently gives prenuptial agreements as wedding presents.
“Sometimes I just feel like ‘Ugh, love sucks. Can I get a who wants it? But some days, despite the lawsuit and the laws and the stomping around, I would like to think that my job hasn’t spoiled all hope for any future relationships. It would be a hard mountain to climb for somebody.” LOVE