So you’ve made the decision to divorce, either jointly or independently. So, why is divorce so devastating, even years later? If you are experiencing tremendous anguish as a result of the breakdown of your marriage, you are not alone and are most certainly going through a mourning process.
According to experts, divorce is the second most devastating life event a person may experience after death. You are literally in mourning! It’s fairly uncommon for someone who has gone through a divorce (especially a high-conflict divorce) to go through the same grief process as someone who has died.
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Divorce Is A Traumatic Experience
It can be a terrible and traumatic event. And the consequences frequently spill over into other aspects of life, such as employment and wealth. This can prolong the sense of loss. Not only do you grieve the death of your former partner, but you may also lament the loss of friends, in-laws (and that entire side of your family), identity, and feelings of worth. In many respects, it feels like a massive separation of the waters.
Divorce is traumatic for many people for all of these reasons and more. Although divorce can be liberating for some, it is usually a stressful event for the majority of people.
The Bereavement Process
In my experience, the consequence of divorce had a significant impact on my emotional state. I didn’t have a toolkit to manage my attitude at the time, therefore I found myself losing control in many other areas of my life, including my career, finances, and health.
Back then, I blamed the divorce for the chaos in my life, but now I see that I was always in control of how I reacted to everything that was going on. And, at times, I made poor decisions based on my emotional condition rather than being rational and pragmatic. I recognize that now, though it was tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the time.
It wasn’t until I gave myself the time and space to heal without rushing that I learned to accept that not everything in life goes as planned. ‘Grace and Space’ was the name I gave to this approach.
Grief Process
The five stages of sorrow have been extensively investigated and documented. You may experience these stages at some point during your divorce and co-parenting journey. You may not experience all stages, and you may not progress through them in a straight line.
Grief is an extremely personal experience. You may discover that you stay in one stage for months or years, or that you bypass other stages entirely. I urge that you give yourself Grace and Space to work through your worries and fears at each stage. Avoiding the source of your feelings and emotions will not make them go away. Working with a professional, such as a therapist or psychologist, can help you make sense of your situation.
Grace And Room
I continue to practice Grace and Space. Allowing myself space allows me to heal, reflect, refuel, refresh, and recover by reminding me to be kind to myself. This Grace and Space thinking shift signaled the start of my healing path. My healing journey eventually lead me to acceptance and forgiveness, which are (in my opinion) conditions for living a calm life.
Give Yourself Permission To Be Sad
It’s natural if you’re feeling (or have felt) like your aspirations and ideas of a “happily ever after” have been shattered. You may be in the denial or rage stages of grieving, and you must be gentle with yourself as you work through your feelings and triggers.
Please keep in mind, however, that this emotion will not stay forever, even if it does not appear so today. If you want to go on and rebuild your life after divorce, you must allow yourself Grace and Space to fully grieve your loss. When you can analyze and reflect on your trip with acceptance, you will begin to look forward rather than back.
Divorce Support
Get our free divorce support kit. It’s jam-packed with resources, suggestions, guidance, and recommendations to help you rebuild your life after divorce. Get your kit for yourself or a loved one right now. Trusted is a platform that assists divorcing parties in reaching amicable settlements and co-parenting effectively. We are a social enterprise that assists you in reaching an agreement and moving forward.