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This is my story; I will not claim to speak for others. These are the ideas, feelings, and decisions that led me astray. My affair ended several years ago, but I am reminded on a daily basis of how it irrevocably ruined my life. Unexpected Infidelity
Growing up, my family and church established my ideals in many aspects of life, including marriage. “Till death do us part” meant a lifelong commitment; divorce was not an option, and adultery was considered one of the worst and most serious sins.
I never intended to have an affair. Even a few months ago, if you had told me I would be involved with another lady, I would have flatly denied the possibility. But when the conditions were just right, every belief vanished.
Several months later, a man across the table from me shouted emphatically, “I might be guilty of a lot of things, but that is one thing I could never do.” It sounded like conviction, but it was actually a prideful innocence that I had once possessed. Even now, as I reflect on what happened, I am struck by how simple it was to forsake long-held values and enter into an affair.
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Mark Stoops Divorce
Mark Stoops and his wife Chantel have separated. This afternoon, the pair issued a joint statement announcing their divorce and requesting privacy at this trying time. “It is difficult to make an announcement about something so personal to our family, but we have made the tough decision to divorce after great contemplation.”
We recognize that we are well-known in the community and believe that we must publicly acknowledge this. We have a profound love and respect for one another, and that will continue as our family grows. Please respect our family’s privacy during this difficult time.” Also, See our related Post Baker Mayfield Divorce
A Vulnerable Relationship
I was initially drawn to Anne when I met her in college. Other men were as well, so I spent the next three years wooing her. Despite our parents’ cautious warnings, who recognized disparities between us that worried them, we married soon after college.
Did I adore her at the time? Yes, to the extent that a 21-year-old is capable of loving. After around two or three years, our marriage had settled into a pattern. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t terrible either, and we’d seen enough poor relationships to know ours was better than most.
We were both looking for something greater. We would make a concerted effort to heat things up from time to time by reading a book, attending a seminar, joining a support group, going on a trip, or becoming a little more sexually imaginative. These sparks would temporarily light the fire, but we would eventually return to the more frequent lukewarmness of the relationship.
For the most part, I simply accepted that things would never be better than this. In some ways, it was sufficient. We appreciated the security of routine; we provided a loving and secure home for our children, and we knew what to anticipate from one another. We learned how to maintain our relationship through adaptive behavior that appeared to be prevalent among most other couples. But something inside of me felt unsatisfied.
This disappointment wasn’t enough to push me into an affair, but I believe it laid the stage for what would later transpire. What happens when love loses its heart? When sentiments fade and duty is continuously called upon to pick up the slack?
The Ideal Situation
An affair necessitates two factors: opportunity and willingness. There were opportunities but no willingness to act during my first 12 years of marriage. That is not to say I was devoid of curiosity or desire. Dissatisfaction with my marriage made me question what it would be like to be with someone else. But my ideas never became actions because I valued faithfulness, was afraid of the consequences of adultery, and didn’t want to face the judgment of others, even God.
One thought-without-action instance occurred when I was gone to a seminar for a week. On the first day, I met a woman who was appealing in both appearance and conduct and who seemed to enjoy my company and periodically sought me out over the week. There was no incorrect word or action, but I had no doubt she would have shared a night with me if I had hinted at the desire to do so. She gave me her address at the end of the meeting, invited me to see her, and hugged me goodbye.
I never got back to her. In fact, when I got home, I told my wife everything about the encounter—another minor “win” that gave me a false sense of security. But, while I never gave in to the urge, I did consider it. Even months later, when I was feeling distant from my wife, I imagined what it would have been like to spend a night in the embrace of the other woman.
If everything in my life had stayed solid and predictable, I believe my unfaithfulness would have ended there. It didn’t work. My workplace began to expand, necessitating additional time spent at the office. Despite how hard I worked, the boss never appeared satisfied, so I increased my efforts. My wife became increasingly frustrated and critical when I was absent from home due to work. I was exhausted, underappreciated, and depleted. Despite the fact that I managed to keep all of my plates spinning, I felt like an empty man performing tricks.
I was asked to lead a new project at work during this time of personal stress. Linda, a colleague from another department, joined me on the project. The moment has come for an affair. I had the opportunity to work with Linda almost every day, frequently alone. And I finally had willingness: I was ready to investigate a relationship that would make me feel valued and cherished. The affair began within two months.
The Other Lady
“Why is she there? What does she possess that I do not?” Those are the questions my wife eventually asked me, questions I’ve heard repeated by many betrayed spouses. What about Linda made it so simple to form a relationship that led to an affair? Initially, I was drawn to the qualities in her that I felt were lacking in my wife.
When I was unhappy in my marriage, it was simple for me to focus on Anne’s flaws. I recognize now that she still held all of the traits that I had originally admired in her, but the years of familiarity had made it easy for me to focus on our differences…on the ways we had failed to connect with each other. Of course, once I was sure of these areas of incompatibility, I was more likely to notice other women who appeared to be devoid of these problems.
It wasn’t about physical attractiveness. Linda was attractive, but I believe many people would have thought my wife was more attractive. No, it was her self-assurance, professionalism, articulation, and life goals that drew me to her.
This attraction, however, would not have been enough to entice me into an affair. Her appreciation did the trick. I needed approval. I desired to be recognized and appreciated. During this difficult period in my life, I had a deep desire to hear someone tell me they believed in me.
