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Shawn Johnson East Reflects on Losing a Baby on the Anniversary of a Previous Miscarriage: ‘it Always Hits Hard’

Shawn Johnson East explains why she feels “a little gloomy” on October 19. The 30-year-old former gymnast wrote an emotional Instagram picture on Wednesday, reflecting on her miscarriage in 2017, two years before she and husband Andrew East had their first child, daughter Drew Hazel, who turns three later this month.

“October 19th… it always hits me hard in a bittersweet way. It was the day I miscarried our first child in 2017, but a little more than a year later I was told it was Drew Hazel’s due date “Johnson East put this beside a photo of himself kissing his wife on the cheek.

“I always wake up a little melancholy and a little somber on 10/19,” she continued, “but God works in such amazing ways.” “Someday, lovely angel, I’ll see you in heaven.” Never miss a story again — subscribe to PEOPLE’s free daily newsletter to receive the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to intriguing human interest stories.

Johnson East, who is also the mother to her husband’s 14-month-old son Jett James, originally revealed her miscarriage in 2017 in a tearful YouTube video that October. The couple then revealed that they would be having another child in April 2019.

Shawn Johnson East Reflects on Losing a Baby on the Anniversary of a Previous Miscarriage 'it Always Hits Hard'

Johnson East spoke openly about her miscarriage and the guilt she felt that she may have done anything to cause the loss on an episode of PEOPLE’s podcast Me Becoming Mom last October. “I had fought with eating issues for so long that I had taken excessive amounts of Adderall and weight loss drugs,” Johnson East explained.

“I had abused my body for so long that my deepest concern during all of that was that I would permanently harm my body. And I hadn’t had a period in years, and I’d done a lot of damage.” Shawn Johnson East claims she was ‘broken inside’ after her miscarriage.

“And my initial instinct when we miscarried and [the doctor] said, ‘It’s nothing you did,’ was ‘But it definitely is,'” she reflected. “Oh my gosh, if I could go back to that doctor’s office, I was trying so hard to keep it together but I was crumbling inside because in my mind, just being a mom brings up all of these guilts and concerns.”

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